Monday, November 16, 2015

How I Torture Myself

Apa jadinya kalau gue lebih berani untuk step out of my comfort zone?
always assume that it would be an amazing experience and maybe it would be a life-changing journey.
I realized that I've been doing same activities for this past 3 years, yes I also joined OSIS and it's a really unforgettable one year of working together as Manuver but that was it. That was the most enjoyable time in my entire high-school life until now. It was the best decision I made so far, to face my fears of interview and doing the regeneration phase. But, beside that,gue yakin kalau apa yang gue lakuin cuma itu-itu aja, tanpa inovasi yang berpengaruh besar gitu. Bangun pagi, kemudian siap-siap sekolah atau ngampus, lalu pergi sekolah sampe sore, kemudian entah langsung pulang, les lagi atau jalan-jalan sama temen, setelah sampai rumah gue bakal ngerjain tugas atau justru malah nonton How I Met Your Mother dan Friends sampe tengah malem, kemudian tidur dan lalu ulangi lagi di hari berikutnya.

Back in my junior high years, I was a very extrovert person and I wasn't afraid of anything. I mean I just do what I wanted to do, without a really deep thinking about the consequence or any stuff like that. I just treasure whatever I did and took every chance that came to me. And I must say that I regret nothing after I chose to try those new things, in fact, I really enjoy those times and now I'm really happy to tell the stories to other.

It wasn't that hard though; being a lazy person like me. But nowadays, I realized that this is how I torture myself. I know I missed a lot of chances to try new things, to meet new people, to become friends with strangers, and the most important thing; to face my fears. It's wrong, and I know it. But actually I think I buried myself in this kind of situation, where everything is so familiar to me. I also realized that this kind of lifestyle changed me to the person I am now, so afraid of taking chances so afraid of any kind of changes. It's not healthy for myself. Gue terbiasa sama semua hal yang sudah familiar sebelumnya, huek.

Seeing my old fellows study abroad is another thing, at least two friends of mine are now in foreign countries to work on their dreams. Banyak jalan menuju Roma, katanya. And here I also in a progress to achieve my dream with my own way to get things done.
To be honest, I'm dreaming to be living abroad. Either it's Manhattan or Brooklyn, Venice or Japan, New Zealand or South Korea, it doesn't matter because I believe that every place has its own charms. I have traveled to two foreign countries, both for students exchange program and it was so fun!
Gue juga pernah jalan-jalan ke berbagai kota di Indonesia, bukan maksud pamer atau gimana (lagian gak ada yang bisa dipamerin juga), dan gue sangat menikmati setiap perjalanannya.
Apa yang mau gue tegasin di sini adalah, deep down I know I love traveling. I like the idea of moving constantly from one place to another. It's always so exciting.

 So I tried to figure out what is the problem? Why am I so afraid of those things? Why do I imprison my own self? and How can I get out of this situation?
The answer is so obvious; don't be afraid, be brave.
I knew it, but It's so hard when I'm too scared of anything new.

And last night I found my senior's blog, she says; say yes before knowing how.
Boom. That's how I decided to write this post.
It's a simple sentence yet so inspiring at the same time. No wonder she has traveled to many countries in such a young age; one year older than me.

Apa yang gue kebanyakan pikirin adalah gimana gue bakal ngejalanin suatu hal, apa gue bakal komitmen sama hal itu? Apa gue pantas untuk bekerja di bidang itu? Apa gue bakal betah di sana?
Dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan useless lain yang sebenernya sangat tidak perlu buat dikhawatirkan bahkan dipertanyakan. Of course, setiap kita ngelakuin sesuatu pasti ada tanggungjawab yang bakal dibebankan ke kita dan ada konsekuensinya pula. Gue sadar kalo gue terlalu berputar-putar dalam pola pikir gue tentang betapa menakutkannya mengemban tanggungjawab. Jujur, gue orangnya masih egois. Dalam arti egois tentang diri sendiri, kalau gue ngerasa gak cocok dikit ya tinggalin. And I always believe that if I have to work on something, I have to feel the sense of belonging first.
Entah ini egois atau memang berpendirian, but that's me and that's the way I think.

I already have a lot of plans to do in the future, including the plan to start facing my own fears.
I really hope I can find my bright side in the future.
I also hope I can create new exciting memories in the future so that I can stop being a person who lives in her story.

Be sure of yourself first, Def.

gak ada hubungannya sama sepatu roda ya padahal..

~D.

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